how do cheaters justify their behavior

When things get serious, they may have to create distance to deal with their own reticence.. Your Partner's Cheating, Too. Robert Weiss, Ph.D., MSW, is the author of Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating. It hurts to discover that you have been betrayed in such an intimate fashion. Cheaters "deflect pointed conversations by changing the true subject and always minimizing their actions," award-winning therapist and survivor of psychological abuse, Shannon Thomas told INSIDER. She is also the Managing Editor ofDivorcedMoms.com. "@type": "Answer", Sometimes they serve to rationalize a desired behavior before it takes place, making it easier to go through with it, while other times they help people feel better about something they have already done. A cheater's secrets can often be revealed through their recent calls list, in text messages on their phone, or a private folder in their email. Cheating partners may not want to break up with their partner, yet they feel unfulfilled and look for new experiences and self-growth via affairs. Kindness, consideration, honesty, and respectfulness are all ethical behaviors. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. They seem to take a certain pleasure in getting away with their ruse, caring less about the small amount they add to their take-home pay than about the fact that they continue to escape detection. The researchers inferred that more participants in the multiple rolls condition must have been lying. In larger part, a betrayed partners vulnerability to gaslighting is linked to the fact that gaslighting starts slowly and builds gradually over time. Don't feel bad if you've ever fallen for a cheater's false promises and lame excuses for canceling plans in the past. Why are traits like psychopathy and narcissism so destructive to relationships? "name": "Do adulterers blame their wives for their actions? "It didn't mean anything" 'He cheated on me and then made excuses' When you are confronting a cheating partner the first thing that he or she will do is to try to win your confidence back and tell you that it didn't mean anythin g and that it was a fling of some sort. Around 20 percent of North American adults admit (at least to a psychologist) that they have had sex with someone who isnt their primary partner at least once. Cheating is sometimes quite complicated, and the thoughts that go along with infidelity often are too. Adulterers, however, will always try to justify why they commit adultery by giving false reasons. also asked participants who either lied about the coin toss or took advantage of their partner in the public good games to say why they did so. If your behavior is consistent with what you believe to be right or just, you have no reason to feel remorse, guilt or any kind of emotional pain. In other research, participants were more likely to cheat and steal as part of a computer game involving a monetary reward after they had purchased an environmentally friendly product, compared to a conventional one. "These are lies, of course, so that when they are not with you, they have a great story to draw from.". But this same research finds that in reality, opting for only a partial confession can lead people to ultimately feel poorly about themselves. Being proven right is the ultimate goal of a narcissist in divorce, and they will do whatever it takes to make that happen. What's even more disturbing about cheaters is that not only do they know. "name": "Can adultery be justified? "name": "Does adultery cause psychological damage? 7) Cheaters are full of excuses. They become cooperative with good care. | All rights reserved. Although what they do may fall short of breaking the law, it clearly fails to live up to the type of moral or ethical standards that people are expected to adhere to in a civil society. Second, the person has to believe that their own transgression is unlikely to be exposed, lest they risk appearing hypocritical. Sometimes, cheaters think seeking intimacy outside their relationship might be the best thing to do for the sake of their partner. Infidelity isnt illegal, but are love-cheats just as prone to leap to their own defense? Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC. "@type": "Question", An adulterer will emotionally harm his wife, and damage his relationship, at times, beyond repair." He produces The Psychology of Attractiveness Podcast. Some cheaters have a resentment towards authority or rules [] so they cheat as a way to demonstrate to themselves that no one is going to control them, Dummit says. Perhaps you or your partner has an associate at work whos developed a reputation for adding a few minutes every day to their time reports, managing to do so without the supervisors knowledge. How do cheaters justify their behavior? They give the example of a college administrator who was known for being especially unforgiving of applicants inflating credentials, but who later was found to have done the same herself in an egregious way, claiming to have degrees she did not have. There must be some internal reckoning they engage in that allows them to live with themselves despite violating ordinary social standards and expectations. Nobody appreciates me. They like things about the relationship they love things about their partner, but there are other aspects that are not there. "mainEntity": [{ People cheat out of hopelessness, says Klapow. In most cases, surviving adultery becomes an impossible task. "They might begin way ahead of time by telling you that their workload at the office just dramatically increased because of reorganization or people leaving," Wish told INSIDER. Are cheaters sexual hypocrites? Common Justifications for Abusive Behavior. Reality show producers are not held to a professional, ethical code like therapists are, and they don't have to adhere to HIPAA. Thinking of a partner in tears or a broken relationship isn . This is one of the most obvious red flags to partners who suspect infidelity, according to Behiels who cites this statement as one commonly used to account for and justify missed time. Next, Warach followed his first study with research on genuine cheaters and victims. Guilt comes in many forms but can be boiled down to a set of five basic types. In both situations, as predicted, people high in D were more likely to behave in aversive ways. ", Eventually that all dies down, but even though you might not be showering one another with the same attention or affection that you were at the start of it all, typically, Nothing a cheater does is your fault, but the second. Show that you arent out to get them and hope that, over time, theyll eventually realize that youand maybe otherscan be trusted to be honest. Cheaters dont look for someone else to be with they look for someone else to be, says Nelson. "text": "Adulterers believe that their wives will either never find out about their affairs or forgive them if they do. An adulterer may feel that the benefit of adultery to them is worth the suffering of others. | while married. ", In the beginning of every relationship, there's a honeymoon phase when everything's coming up roses, and you can't keep your hands off each other. Adultery hurts and it is never OK to hurt another person. Cheating, then, is a way to act out and blow off frustrations instead of addressing the issues head-on via a potentially difficult, emotionally taxing conversation. Prisons are packed with violent. Your spouse will pay more attention to hygiene. "Calling out the wrong name in the heat of passion is a faux pas that's hard to backpedal," Winter explained, while pet names are easy to remember. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. But a locked phone especially, Susan Winter said, is a dead giveaway. We may try to resolve this dissonance in a range of different ways, from changing the way we view the behavior to changing the way we view ourselves and others. In another simulation, participants completed a public goods game in which they could contribute to a joint project or keep the money they had. Sometimes, a person who cheats sees their behavior as a last-ditch effort to save their relationship. The truth is. Men have long been silent and stoic about their inner lives, but theres every reason for them to open up emotionallyand their partners are helping. Why People Sometimes Care More About Dogs Than Humans. But often, cheating isnt solely about sex; usually another relationship conflict is at stake. Nelson believes that cheating partners can reform and commit, unless they repeat the infidelity pattern over and over. She recommends couples therapy and coaching for attachment issues. If they believe their partner has done them wrong, a passive-aggressive cheater might see their infidelity as a way to settle things in a non-confrontational but still hurtful way. Granted, feelings of love are an extenuating circumstance for vowing to be faithful to a spouse. "Cheating can be emotional, and/or physical. For the aversive person in your life, then, you have a choice. "They can look you in the eye and say things such as: What a long day at work,' when they were actually with another person. 5 Ways Christians Use God to Excuse Ungodly Behavior. You've heard the phrase "it's not you, it's me?" How to Get Divorce Papers Online in Texas, How to Get Divorce Papers Online in New York, File for Divorce in GA Online: A Comprehensive Guide, How to Get Divorce Papers Online in California. What happens to a spouse when cheated on? Whatever be your reasons, you are not a good person if you commit adultery. The authors of a new study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships propose that cheaters feel bad about their indiscretions, but try to feel better by reframing their. Another way people may try to feel virtuous after a misdeed is to judge others even more harshly for the same offense. Malignant narcissism is a combination of narcissistic and antisocial personality. Today, it's not much better. Warach calls this double standard sexual hypocrisy and an example of the self-serving bias. For 11 years, Cathy was the About.com Expert to Divorce Support where she covered all aspects of the divorce process. Pair bonding through sex, and what happens when frequency declines. Self-justification often comes into play when discussing why individuals make "immoral" decisions. Ever wondered how cheaters are able to do what they do, even though theyre hurting others? The cheating partner might also justify their actions by pointing out their partner's issues, such as being controlling, having a drug and alcohol problem, or being inattentive. As absurd as that may sound, the idea of divorce or a breakup may feel too painful. A spouse will feel second-rate and undesirable. Prisons are packed with violent criminals who claim it was the other guys fault and fraudsters who insist they were framed. Juliana Breines, Ph.D., is a social and health psychologist whose research examines how self-compassion relates to stress reactivity, behavior change, and body image. Tech has brought us closer in many ways, but problematic behaviors have also emerged in romantic relationships. Whether youve been cheated on, have cheated in the past, or are hoping to better understand why someone might decide to blow up their relationship, read on for these insights from psychologists into how cheaters think and feel and why they may be drawn to infidelity. Adultery is an immoral and unethical behavior, which causes pain and hurt to people around the adulterer." In most cases, surviving adultery becomes an impossible task." Self-serving justifications: doing wrong and feeling moral. Anyone can be unfaithful, but while you shouldn't necessarily base your judgments off of the stereotypical cheats you see depicted in Hollywood, there are some common personality traits cheaters share. How to Tell You're Dealing With a Malignant Narcissist, Yes, You Do Become More Introverted With Age, The Truth About Narcissistic Personality Disorder, The Dreadful Physical Symptoms of Dementia, 2 Ways Empathy Determines the Type of Partner We Choose. Studies of ethical distancing have found that it is more likely to occur under certain conditions. Cheaters feel that their life's problems and frustrations entitle them to do what they want. The realities of their actions are far different than the reality they create to justify the adultery. And when they do, most will usually feel pretty bad about it. What my partner doesnt know cant hurt him/her. To put it mildly, you feel wronged. Sometimes a cheating partner fears the intimacy of an attached or committed partnership not because they are a bad person or they want out, but because the intensity of the bond between you is overwhelming, explains Nelson. In summary, we often experience a conflict between a desire to see ourselvesand be seenas good people, and a desire to behave in ways that dont necessarily align with that self-image. She will question her worth and value as a wife. For this reason, researchers recommend that rules should be made clear and concretenot only in terms of what they are but also why they matter. The researchers administered this measure with a slight twist in the wording to allow them to assess self-justifications for immoral behavior, as follows: How did you score on this measure? Sexual hypocrisy, the self-serving bias, and personality style. Infidelity typically falls into one of three categories: Sexploration. said cheaters will sometimes lay the groundwork for future lies ahead of time in order to cover their tracks later on in the relationship. We now know that the way people respond to a personality trait measure isnt enough to predict whether theyll cheat or take advantage of others. "name": "What happens to a spouse when cheated on? In fact, there are things one-time cheaters do after being caught that differentiate them from serial cheaters. Cheaters will make excuses for being away from you. This is mystical thinking because, unless questioned, the adulterer has no idea how their wife will react to them cheating. Try asking why and your cheating spouse or partner is going to be at a loss for comebacks. Despite the negative connotation of "selfish," selfishness is not always bad. However, cheaters did tend to blame victims more than victims blamed themselves. He/she will pay more attention to how their hair looks. They may feel guilty about being unsatisfied and are afraid to cause the one they love to feel pain. In love relationships, its not breaking eggs that does the lasting harm. Cheaters tend to put some pretty intense privacy setting on their personal lives too, so it's not just their romantic happenings they'll keep to themselves, Winters explained. Your first response should be neither a defense nor an attack. When she calls here, its because we have a project to finish. If any of the following red flags are waving right in front of you, it could be a sign your partner's up to something. The study also emphasizes the need that people have to see themselves in a positive light, even if their behavior doesnt deserve this favorable interpretation. As long as they don't break their own self-generated rules regarding extramarital involvement, then they avoid feeling that they've done something wrong. Not only will a wife be injured by the adultery, but anyone close to you to the cheater will be affected negatively. Post-Op Mood and Cognitive Changes: Undisclosed Effects, "Im Sorry You Feel That Way" and Other Gaslighting Tactics. Most adulterers justify their behaviors by creating this false impression in their minds that their marriage has been over for years because its devoid of love. They start to wonder if maybe their perception of the situation really is askew, despite the ever-growing pile of evidence to the contrary. Relationship rifts are an inevitable feature of life, but they dont have to be permanent. She will struggle to find out why her husband cheated on her and think that she is not desirable or enough. When cheaters gaslight their partners, they present false information and insist that the information is true. "acceptedAnswer": { | Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D., is a Professor Emerita of Psychological and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. But not only are a cheater's secrets. Cheaters were also more apt to blame circumstances than victims were, and thought that the emotional impact of the infidelity on the victim was lower than the impact reported by victims. Many moral lapses can be traced back to this feeling that you are invincible, untouchable, and hyper-capable, which can energize and create a sense of elation. Often, it is only in a crisis (getting caught red-handed, for example) that cheaters will finally examine their denial and the reality of their behaviorand sometimes even that is not enough. Can adultery be justified because of a bad marriage? Advance online publication. His behaviour: When you ask him questions about what he's been up to, he starts to act all defensive and jumpy. The reasons for infidelity are often unknown or . "text": "Most adulterers justify their behaviors by creating this false impression in their minds that their marriage has been over for years because its devoid of love. This raises an interesting question: How do cheaters justify their behavior? There is more to consider than whether or not the cheater still feels love for their wife. Most of us choose to live according to societys rules as far as what is and isnt ethical behavior. If these two expressions of intimacy are separate or disjointed, a couple may be unable to evolve into a mature, loving relationship. "text": "Whatever be your reasons, you are not a good person if you commit adultery. Most of us want to believe that we are morally upright people who act according to a strong sense of right and wrong. I can do what I want. Viewing the behavior as a grey area One. Cheaters, like bullies, are fueled by power, and drawn to risk. Reviewed by Lybi Ma. "name": "Do adulterers end up damaging their family? A spouse when cheated on will first feel shell-shocked, confused and angry. People with borderline personality disorder have dysregulated emotions and unstable relationships. When participants in one study reflected on a past unethical act, compared to an ethical one, they were significantly more likely to choose an antiseptic cleansing wipe over a pencil when these items were presented as free gifts at the end of the study: Roughly two-thirds of those in the unethical group chose the wipe, compared to only one-third of the ethical group. Should It Be? Of. }] A cheater might turn to infidelity to avoid a fight with their partner about issues in the relationship. Many have both cheated and been cheated on. "name": "Do adulterers believe their wives will forgive them for their affairs? "text": "The adulterers blame their wives for their actions, stating that their wives have been ignoring their needs. How are people able to engage in unethical behaviorsoften repeatedlywithout being overwhelmed by guilt? And with that, their behavior seems utterly reasonable to them in the moment of obsession. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC. Other examples might involve politicians making a point of being tough on certain types of crimes that they are themselves involved in. | After a transgression has already taken place, research suggests that people may engage in literal or figurative forms of cleansing, as if washing away their sins. ", People may be reluctant to reject unwanted advances when they are concerned for their safety or feel trapped. How to Recognize Dark Triad Personality Traits. Why might this be? It's easy to do because they're eerily good at it. { Which Applies to You? In essence, an adulterer has no clue about how his wife would react when she finds out about his adultery." Depression: Goodbye Serotonin, Hello Stress and Inflammation, How Blame and Shame Can Fuel Depression in Rape Victims, Getting More Hugs Is Linked to Fewer Symptoms of Depression, Interacting With Outgroup Members Reduces Prejudice, You Can't Control Your Teen, But You Can Influence Them. So I deserve to have a little fun. Whether confident or self-conscious, voracious or unsatisfied, cheaters use their psychology to rationalize their actions just like anyone else.

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